gutter

I’m probably not the worst bowler in the world. I’d say I’m in the top ten. Every time I’ve been asked to go bowling in the past year or two I have strategically found a way out of it.

Tonight, my family dragged me to Redwood Lanes. They have all-you-can bowl deals with disco balls, black lighting and a live DJ from 10-2am. It would be a great place to be if I didn’t completely hate the game. I’ve been thinking about why I dislike bowling so much. I think it goes beyond me being really terrible. I’ve narrowed it down to the following reasons.

1. The Shoes. I don’t know how often bowling shoes are replaced or how effective that spray is that they use. Every time I see someone with 8 ½ size feet at the bowling alley I wonder if they’ve worn the shoes that I’m wearing. I hate feet and communal shoes. Are you supposed to return the shoes with the laces tied or untied?

2. Heavy Balls. I can’t get a ball that is six pounds because that’s probably what I used when I was ten, but the ten-pound balls are always too heavy because I am weak. It’s really hard to find something in between and walking around forever putting my fingers into drilled holes where [unwashed] hands have been is gross.

3. Waiting for your ball to come up the ramp. It’s not a long wait but it’s just long enough that I stand awkwardly, not knowing what to do or how to stand. Is it long enough to walk back to where everyone else is standing? Should I turn around and say something? Maybe I’ll just stare at the pins and wonder why they’re all still standing up…

4. The Walk. I can never get the walk right. People do fancy little jumps and half runs. They slide one leg and do some kind of weird dance. Most of them just look silly.

Tonight I got a couple strikes and a few spares but the highlight was when Lady Gaga came through the speakers. Is bowling a real sport?